Diana’s Voyage

Unfortunately I am not dead.  So, with that being said, figured i’d update on everything from this weekend to all of the zero people who give a shit.

This is all part of Friday night.  This all happened after my previous rant post.  Things got worse obviously.  Her being stuck on the bus for a billion hours and stuff.  Now I understand it’s all very stressful and I’d be pissed off too and stuff.  In fact, I understand completely because a few weeks before when I took it down to Socal the same thing happened to me.  I was stuck in the middle of nowhere for 14 hours.  Anyways, here are some screen shots of just a couple of texts from Friday night…

As you can imagine…. I felt awesome.

The fucked up part was, My stupid ass actually went to go get her.  Because I’m a dumb piece of shit.

I drove 3 hours on way, to go get her from the station she was stranded at.  Then another 3 hours back to my place.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Anyone else in the world would have said “you can go fuck yourself” and left her bitch ass there and never talk to her again.  Why didn’t I do that?  So stupid… It’s like I know what I should do, and yet I still make the worst decisions ever. (By the way, not a single thank you, ungrateful as fuck)

I showed up at 2am, and she was sitting outside at a table.  I walked up, we didn’t say anything to each other. I sat down next to her, and put my arm around her, and her head found its way resting on my shoulder burying itself into my neck as she put her arms around my waist.  She started crying really softly. I gently kissed her on her forehead. She held back her tears for a second to mumble out the softest and saddest “I’m sorry…” I’ve ever heard.  All I said was “I know. It’s okay.” even though it wasn’t at all.  But I didn’t want to deal with any of this anymore.  So I just let it be.  We grabbed all her stuff and headed back home.  She fell asleep instantly in the car, I don’t blame her.  Long stressful day for both of us.

Honestly, the whole time she was here everything was fine.  Until she had to leave, then she was really sad as usual.  We both were.

I don’t really know where this leaves us.  And I don’t really know what will happen between us.  I’m not sure still if I want an “us” anymore.  She feels the same way I’m sure.  After all of this, on top of all the other bullshit before all this happened, I just don’t know anymore.

Not that she cares or anything, because she always feels like she doesn’t do anything wrong.  She has even told me before that she doesn’t need this relationship and doesn’t need me. so i dont know, but I just want to state for the record:

I have not forgiven her for how she treated me.

I don’t know if I ever will be able to.

Just going to go kill myself now.

RANT POST

Fuck my life. So much fucking bullshit just happened with Diana. GO FIGURE.

I am so done dude.  I can’t put up with her anymore.  With how badly she treats me.  She treats me like a fucking pile of garbage all the time and this shit made me reach my breaking point.

basically she was taking the bus from Socal to Norcal (which is usually 6 hours)  but there was a big mudslide accident from the rain last night I guess so she has been stuck in traffic for like a bunch of hours and won’t get here for who knows how long so she calls me and is hella yelling at me about how fucking dumb all this shit is etc etc and im like whoa like its not my fault im sorry this happened but im trying to help you like ill go pick you up from wherever instead.  Basically she gets pissed off when i say just let me know where to get you from and she just goes off saying how stupid I am and shit then hangs up on me.  WHAT THE FUCK MAN.  then she text me a few minutes after and says “ugh. i hate you.”  like WOW OKAY  thanks! you really know how to make someone feel great.  All im trying to do is help ya know?

She is the most ungrateful person I’ve ever met.  i don’t even think Julia was as mean to me as Diana is dude AND THATS SAYING A LOT CONSIDERING SHE GOT MARRIED BEHIND MY BACK!  Some how that seems not as bad compaired to how Diana treats me.  and im fucking done dude.  Last straw.  I can’t deal with this anymore.

i explained how I am just trying to help and she fucking says “dont worry about it.  dont bother picking me up.”  like uhhhhh okay?!?!  so now clearly someone else is going to get her and she basically is not coming here anymore.  either going back home or going to stay with god knows who in norcal.  WHICH ALSO MAKES ME FEEL AWESOME BY THE WAY.

I’m so done.  i haven’t felt this horrible since I found out Julia got married behind my back.   I can’t be with Diana.  I just can’t be with someone who treats me like a worthless piece of shit.  It’s not like she will care any way because she doesnt give two shits about me in the first place.  and for the record she has told me before how she doesn’t need me and doesn’t need this relationship.  Which is ALWAYS something nice to hear right?!   But fuck it, obviously thats true.

Done with everything.

Fuck my pathetic worthless life.

Going to go shoot myself now.

~Michael

my room mates Mom, Mistress Vanessa

M.I.L.F.

So I rent a room at my friends house which is owned by his Mom.  I have lived here for a few years already but I usually just stick to myself because i’m a hermit and hate the world. Over the past few weeks his mom (lets say Vanessa) has realllllllllly been opening up to me and talk to me A LOT.  Always when her son is not home.  Coincidence? I think not.

It all started with her knocking on my door one morning on the weekend. I always sleep in because I’m a lazy fuck and hate waking up because it reminds me I’m not dead yet.  Super confused and half asleep still, I open the door in nothing but my boxers assuming it was her son.  WRONG, it was Vanessa.

V: oh sorry did I wake you up?

M: yeah kind of haha umm whats up? *awkwardly stands in doorway in just underwear*

V: I need your help, the other room mate was supposed to move out yesterday but he hasn’t left yet.  The new room mate to replace him is supposed to move in tomorrow.  I don’t know what to do he won’t listen to me.

M: oh shit, well uh I guess I can help kick him out?  You want me to beat him up for you? haha

V: haha! no it is okay, i think if he does not leave i will let the new room mate stay in my room until this guy leaves?

M: but where will you sleep??

V: I don’t know! haha I will just sleep on the couch, or maybe I can stay in your room haha.

M: *blank stare* uh yeah that would be fine i guess? 0____o

V: okay cool! thanks so much!

LIKE YO WHAT THE FUCK,  I was so caught off guard with that.  I didn’t know what to say or do.  I hella froze up lol.  eventually the dude came home and I had a couple of harsh words with him and he was gone by the next morning, so it never came down to her actually sleeping in my room with me.  I wasn’t really sure if she was serious or not.  I guess I would never know.  So she ends up thanking me for getting him gone etc and she says “oh let me take you out to dinner sometime for helping me!”  uhhh i didn’t know what to say so i naturally just spit out a “yeah sure”  now I mean it isn’t uncommon for her to cook me dinner every now and then, but that is completely different than taking me out to dinner! it never happened (yet I guess)  but still, it was so awkward.

THEN this has happened a few times where she is wearing some skimpy ass shit around the house, which I understand you know she is cleaning or whatever and wears whatever comfy clothes.  But it gets weird again when every now and then when I pass by her and she’s doing dishes she “accidentally” drops the towel and DRAMATICALLY bends over in front of me with her butt all pushed out as if trying to catch my attention.  Which of course it does because it’s like BOOM in my face! I always just play it off like I don’t notice.  After that happened a few times, i guess since I kept not paying attention she would get down on the floor like she is scrubbing the floor, but leaning REALLY far forward. Mind you she is usually wearing a VERY loose tank top with NO BRA.  So I’m just getting full on boob action as i’m passing by! SO AWKWARD.  As if the butt thing wasn’t awkward enough by this point.

She knocked on my door about a week ago and was crying! Of course I asked what was wrong and she started telling me about how this guy she was kind of talking to and seeing recently stopped talking to her and told her he never wanted to see her again.  It turns out dude was married…. ouch. I felt really bad for her, but at the same time I didn’t really know what to do… like was I supposed to hug her and comfort her? that would have been so weird so i didn’t.  I just gave her best advice I could (which was probably horrible advice because I clearly can’t even help myself in these type of situations.)  But with this current news all this flirty sexual shit going on all of a sudden made so much sense!!!

So now I have to make sure as to always make sure I’m dress when walking from the shower back to my room instead of walking the house in my boxers like before hahaha.  Which is a little more inconvenient than it sounds.  Hopefully things get less weird and I don’t get raped by Vanessa and eventually murdered by her son. LOL

mad awkward yo.

~Michael

M.I.A. part 2

So as I mentioned in the last bit of Part 1, why is it that when a guy is in a relationship, it seems every girl in the world decides to likes him. LOL

Ever since I got with Diana, a lot of the other girls I know have been expressing how they feel towards me.  It’s so weird.  The ones that know about Diana and the ones that don’t know about her and I.  It doesn’t matter.  It still happens.  It’s really weird.

Within this short time frame 5 girls have expressed how they feel towards me.  Like what the fuck?  WHY

~Paige from the Julia Situation who confessed she has been attracted to me ever since we met.  Which was awkward because she had a boyfriend the whole time I have known her until a few months ago when they broke up.  She also told me how much she likes me as a person and how great we get along and have so much in common.  Which i agree we do, but then after all this type of stuff the next day or so she will act like she doesn’t like me or anything more than a friend.  It’s really odd.  She’s weird.  I think it’s because she still talks to her ex and they hang out a lot still.  i think she’s just confused about things.

~this girl from work, lets call her Sara who has been talking to me lately.  She had me come over to fix her car over the weekend, and she was ULTRA flirty with me in how she acted and talked to me, and even got a little handsy.  It was a big surprise I never would have saw that coming.  Not complaining, just saying.  Also, I did end up fixing the car woohoo.

~This girl I met 7 years ago who liked me back since we met then but she had a boyfriend so nothing ever happened and then we stopped talking and only every few years i’d get a text from her. Usually about her breaks ups.  Go figure. But a few days ago she hit me up telling me how she misses me and we should hang out and how she remembers all the fun we had and how cute i am blah blah blah lots of sweet talking shit.  lets call her Savannah

~My ex girlfriend we can call her Bailey, my first girlfriend ever, hit me up the other night to come over and hangout at her house.  It was midnight. She has a fiance.  No.  Just no.

~This girl I have been friends with for 10 years who also comes and goes out of my life every few years hits me up randomly.  We can call her Sachi.  Her and I have always had a connection.  We have always had a thing for each other but she always would have a boyfriend when i was single or vise versa.  Also we live kind of far and when we were younger that made things impossible. But her and I literally talk for hours, it’s really unusual for me because i am not good at talking.  I am very boring.  but with her it comes really natural and we can just go on about anything and everything.  I like it. We have a lot in common such as both dating shitty people and getting screwed over all the time hahaha.  A long time ago we agreed that if we both are single by a certain age that we would default marry each other LOL. So I haven’t heard from her in years and last night she called me and so we caught up through out the night.  We talked for like 8 hours or something like that.  I got zero hours of sleep and am dying at work.  Also why both M.I.A. posts probably dont’ make sense so i appologize.  You can blame her. But last night it was funny, I was basically telling her about my last relationship (The Julia Situation) and she was so in shock that she got married behind my back etc etc.  She told me that I better not end up getting married because she would break up my marriage and steal me for her self LOL now I know that sounds really bad just reading it on this blog and out of context, but in the moment it was actually really cute and made me laugh a lot. We both have an odd sense of humor I guess haha.

I am nothing special at all.  I dont know what’s wrong with these girls.

But honestly, I really could see myself with Sachi.  Her and I get along on everything and we make each other happy without having to try.  Maybe I should just go get married on purpose so she will come steal me away.  :3  hahahaha that’s terrible.

I am extremely sleep deprived but I will update maybe later today if I have time and don’t pass out.  I have an awkward update about my room mates mom LOL it will be interesting and weird and awkward I promise.

Not that anyone cares.

~Michael

M.I.A. part 1

I kind of disappeared for awhile, not that anyone on here really gives a shit, but a lot has happened.

Diana and I have a very complicated relationship.  We have seen each other a lot since my last update and I have been super busy with other bullshit in my pathetic excuse for a life which is why I have been M.I.A. but anyways,

When her and I spend time together things are great.  We have a lot of fun and were both really happy.  But things are so weird when it isn’t just us.  If we are around her friends she treats me VERY differently.  She always introduces me as her “friend from norcal” never as “my boyfriend”  (I’ll explain that in a second)  Now I understand this may not seem that important but it kind of bothers me in a weird way.  I almost feel like she is trying to keep me a secret?  She says im her boyfriend and blahblahblah but yet when it comes to being public about it, I’m not.  it’s very strange.  Facebook is still single, introduces me as a friend to everyone, and the way she acts like always going out and partying, never really talks to me ever until night time she calls and we talk for a few minutes before we both go to bed, I don’t know.  it’s all little things but it’s all very odd to me.

Also we argue like A LOT.  Over really stupid shit too.  Everything I say makes her so mad or upset.  It’s crazy and it’s really frustrating for me.  She always says really mean stuff to me and makes me feel like shit.

I think I just cared too much.  So I have been forcing myself to back off a little and try to not like her as much I guess? (that sounds really bad but i can’t really think of another way to word it right now, it’s really early in the morning here so none of this probably makes sense anyways)  But basically, instead of getting mad or jealous about shit i just force myself to laugh it all off and be fine with everything.  I am refusing to be upset about anything.  It is hard sometimes but for the most part it is working.

I’m going to be honest, i am just fed up with the fighting and her making me feel like a shit person.  I think I just kind of reached my breaking point and now i just don’t really care about anything.  I know that sounds really bad, and it makes me question why I bother continuing to waste my time with her.  that sounds harsh but that’s how I have been feeling lately about the whole thing.

On top of all that bullshit,  I have noticed that whenever a guy is in a relationship, it seems every girl in the world decides to like you. hahaha it’s such a strange coincidence.  I will explain more of that on M.I.A. part 2 in a few minutes.

~Michael

Therapist Chronicles

“Now when I say sex addiction, don’t jump to conclusions because there are many different types of sex addictions.  Someone who suffers from Emotional sex addiction has a fear of being abandoned, and might stay in relationships that aren’t healthy.  Or when alone, they feel empty or incomplete.  They may use sex as a way to dull the pain of true emotions and feelings or as a way to escape reality and avoid dealing with the problems at hand.  They may also show signs of sexual anorexia, which is when you purposely avoid relationships because you don’t know how to control them or because of past sexual trauma such as emotional and/or physical.  This type of behavior is common with people struggling with depression.”

Man, my therapist pretty much hit the nail on the head.  I mean, I don’t think I have a sex addiction in the aspect of I have sex all the time and can’t control it haha because that is definitely not the case.  For the record, I rarely get girls.  But, I do admit she’s right about how I fear being abandoned when I’m in a relationship or even when I’m kind of close to someone.  And when i’m alone I do feel empty/incomplete and I try to resolve that loneliness by sleeping with someone (man, re-reading that makes me sound like a horrible person) but in turn that does take my mind off my problems as well as emotions that I don’t know how to deal with. It is definitely an escape from reality as she put it.  As far as the sexual anorexia, fuck dude she’s totally right.  I mean just from the few posts on here I’m sure you guys could tell I try so hard to avoid having feelings for anyone, mostly because I am afraid to get hurt and I have huge trust issues caused by my last relationship failures.  And last but not least, OBVIOUSLY I’m a depressed dweeb so it does make sense as to why I would behave like this.

Fuck man, she blew my mind with all this shit.  I never really looked at my self in perspective as a sex addict (emotional sex addict) but man I can’t help but feel like she is totally right.  Very eye opening session, so felt I had to share.

Even though this is anonymous, I hope you guys don’t judge me…

The Julia Situation *Warning: Long Post*

I have some free time today and I thought I’d talk about something that I try to avoid talking about or thinking about at all costs.  But I figured I should probably express myself on this topic instead of holding it in forever.

So, here we go… *takes deep breath*

Today I want to dive into the realm of what happened in my in relationship with my most recent ex.  (we can go over all the other traumatic failed relationships another day)  but this one in particular really fucked me up emotionally and mentally.

We can call her Satan Julia.  Her and I had been dating for two years, and honestly everything was great.  We never got in fights, we always had fun and were laughing, we had so much in common as well.  I was literally ready to marry her.

And then, my entire world crumbled before my eyes.  I had never understood the references of heartache/heartbroken until that point because it literally felt like my heart had dropped out of my chest and fell onto the floor, and the floor was covered in nails.

Basically, she told me she was going on a business trip with her mom.  Which didn’t sound weird at all to me because her mom was always flying places to go on trips.  After about three days into her trip I just happened to stumble upon an odd photo that caught my eye on Instagram… It was a photo of a girl holding this guys hand pulling him into the front gates of Disney Land…only the girl was Julia, and the guy wasn’t me.  Caption ” She said YES!!! *ring emoji* ”

I had to take a break after writing that, my heart started pounding so fast and my fingers were trembling… *deep breath* you can do this Michael…

I immediatly just froze.  I locked up.  I was with two friends at the moment this happened, we’ll call them Derek and Paige.  They both just stopped talking mid sentence and stared at me and asked “uhh hey are you alright?”  “yeah man you look like you’re going to faint are you good?”  I remember I couldn’t even respond.  I just handed over my phone to them as I sat down on the curb in front of my house.  They both got super quiet for what seemed like a really long time.  Paige just sat down next to me and didn’t say anything.  Derek was still standing behind me and he stuttered out the words  “it might not be what it seems man…?”  Eventually we all agreed I should just ask her about it.  I text her asking what shes up to, hows the trip etc, she jsut replies oh it’s fine just hanging out with some friends out here while my Mom is taking care of her work stuff.  So, I just sent her a screenshot of the guys photo.  I waited a long time and got no reply (she is always on her phone as usually replies instantly)  so I basically just sent off a really long and angry text and trying to figure out what the hell is going on.  No reply.

By now it’s really late at night and still no reply.  And I had already balled my fucking eyes out.  I couldn’t keep it in. Derek flaked out on his plans he had that night to just chill with me a little longer even though he had work really early in the morning.  Paige had nothing else going on so she stuck around too.  It was nice they were there and to not be alone, but at the same time I kind of just didn’t want to hear any “advice” on shit.  I just didn’t feel like talking.  I just sat there quietly and Derek did all the talking.  I can’t even tell you what he was saying because I was completely zoned out.  Around 2am Derek left to go home to wake up for work at 5am.  Paige said she didn’t want to leave me alone and was worried.  So her and I went inside.  She sat next to me on my bed, put her head on my shoulder, her arm around me, and she didn’t say a damn word the whole night.  It was perfect.

So, by 6am Paige finally left because she had class at 8am.  I tried to get some sleep in hopes that by the time I woke up maybe Julia had woke up and replied or something, but I ended up just laying there until about 8am and when I did fall asleep I woke up at 10am and big suprise! No reply from Julia at all.  No explanations, no excuses, not even a simple “I’m sorry.”   Not a single. damn. word.  Even to this present day, I have never heard from her again.  And I think that is what makes the whole thing worse, is the not knowing part.

Eventually over time it turns out that she had been cheating on me for at least a year with that guy, if not more.  And she never went on a business trip with her Mom, that guy picked her up and they drove over 1000 miles to get to Disneyland.  He then proposed to her infront of Disneyland.  (HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL MAN) but anyways, I eventually just told people to stop telling me about her and shit.  It would just be easier to not find out any more shit.  So I just left it alone.

The Julia situation is what really made me want to be by myself, and it really gave me serious trust issues.  I have realized that I’m just not the type of guy that girls date.  So, I promised my self after that I would officially give up and just be single forever with 100 cats.

Big update that no one cares about

Alright so I haven’t posted in a few days and some key things happened lately with the Diana story for anyone keeping up.  (aka no one haha)

I don’t remember which night it was exactly but Diana and I kind of talked about a lot of things.  We talked about a lot of what happened last weekend.  She basically explained how she doesn’t do hook ups and that’s why things were kind of strange between us I guess.  Also, she used my phone before anything happened and she saw my phone background ( which was a girl, not my girlfriend in anyway) but I mean I can’t blame her for assuming.  I would probably do the same if I were in her shoes.  But I basically explained the phone background thing and explained how she wasn’t just a hook up.  I told her how that was never my intention.  I never even had an intention of sleeping with her at all! Let alone use her like that.  So, of course that kind of cleared up a lot of awkwardness and uncertainty that she was feeling.

Diana asked “Why didn’t you kiss me?”  I was kind of thrown off and shocked.  I explained how she didn’t really seem like she wanted me to kiss her by the way she was acting.  hard to explain but I guess you would say a little stand off-ish? I also told her she’s a very difficult person to get a read on when it comes to feelings.  I told her how I did consider kissing her when I was leaving, and how much I regretted not doing so.  She said next time I owe her haha so that must mean things are going pretty well right?

YA DAMN RIGHT.  because after that I was explaining how I still have no clue how she feels.  I mean obviously she is some what interested considering all that has happened.  But that doesn’t mean she wants something more or if this is as far as it goes.  So she just was like “well, you never asked. haha”   I was just like -________________________-”  so I asked her “how do you feel about me?” The whole time I was anticipating her response.  I just remember being so stressed out and nervous. She just simply replied  “Oh Michaelpoo, I like you silly.”  *michaelpoo sounds weird, it sounded cuter with my actual name I promise haha*   it was simple but effective, I took a big sigh of relief.

Diana has been saying how she is going to come visit me in Norcal.  Which I am excited for of course as is she. Still planning on which dates would be best to come, since she has a wedding to go to end of August and I have a wedding to go to end of August as well.  Also I will be in Chicago early September for a drift event.  (super irrelevant but whatever) But once we decide on dates i will definitely let you guys know how it goes.  And when I say *you guys* I am referring to my audience of zero…

See, sometimes good things do happen.  Lets see how long it takes for everything to turn to shit again. lol fuck my life.

*stares at keyboard for 5 minutes*

Well, laying in bed and can’t sleep.  What a surprise.  Diana murdering my mind.  I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY.  I don’t understand why all this is happening.  This was never part of the plan to become attached.  If anything I tried my hardest to not let that happen.

Now I am worried more than ever.  What if this is a one sided-crush?  I don’t know if I could handle that.  I can feel my throat tighten up and my eyes tense as I write this.  I am terrified.

Diana is not the most um… girly of girls. So it is a bit difficult to get a read on her feelings.  Which I think makes the whole situation worse for me.  Not knowing how she feels gives me anxiety.  I’m such a chill, no emotion type of person, so anxiety for me never happens.

I don’t want to tell her how I feel and then her not feel the same way.  Then I’ll look stupid, and of course be probably even more fucked in the head than I am right now.  SO expressing my feelings to her is just out of the question. With that being said, *stares at keyboard for 5 minutes because I don’t know how to even articulate how I feel right now*

It really pisses me off that I have feelings for her.  Okay that sounds bad, I should probably try to expand a bit on that haha.  It’s not her that pisses me off, it’s the fact that I care about her more than I probably should.  I mean for fuck sake we have only chilled twice. Granted the last time was um… “intimate”  okay that makes me sound like a pussy but whatever.  I mean the sex was one thing, but I think the cutesy cuddly shit is kind of what fucked everything up.

I regret not kissing her when I left… but then again the fact that we did all that we did and we never kissed kind of says something in itself I think.

I feel really stupid.

Nights

i don’t know wtf to even feel. I told myself I wasn’t going to let this happen.  I’m sure she felt the same way. (let’s just call her Diana) I’m just trying to avoid feelings. just trying to let it happen and then forget it happened. move on.  I planned on it with alternative motives, but in the end I did it because I think I like her, and i think she made the same mistake. which is fucking stupid because we both know we are complete opposites. We literally only have two things in common.  1: we both hate kids and 2: we love cars.  we are so different and yet here i find myself sad. i miss her actually.  not just the sex (which she is fabulous at btw) but just her in general. Diana’s cool. and fun. she makes me laugh and im actually happy around her. it kind of sucks lol i feel depressed. nights are the worst.