M.I.A. part 1

I kind of disappeared for awhile, not that anyone on here really gives a shit, but a lot has happened.

Diana and I have a very complicated relationship.  We have seen each other a lot since my last update and I have been super busy with other bullshit in my pathetic excuse for a life which is why I have been M.I.A. but anyways,

When her and I spend time together things are great.  We have a lot of fun and were both really happy.  But things are so weird when it isn’t just us.  If we are around her friends she treats me VERY differently.  She always introduces me as her “friend from norcal” never as “my boyfriend”  (I’ll explain that in a second)  Now I understand this may not seem that important but it kind of bothers me in a weird way.  I almost feel like she is trying to keep me a secret?  She says im her boyfriend and blahblahblah but yet when it comes to being public about it, I’m not.  it’s very strange.  Facebook is still single, introduces me as a friend to everyone, and the way she acts like always going out and partying, never really talks to me ever until night time she calls and we talk for a few minutes before we both go to bed, I don’t know.  it’s all little things but it’s all very odd to me.

Also we argue like A LOT.  Over really stupid shit too.  Everything I say makes her so mad or upset.  It’s crazy and it’s really frustrating for me.  She always says really mean stuff to me and makes me feel like shit.

I think I just cared too much.  So I have been forcing myself to back off a little and try to not like her as much I guess? (that sounds really bad but i can’t really think of another way to word it right now, it’s really early in the morning here so none of this probably makes sense anyways)  But basically, instead of getting mad or jealous about shit i just force myself to laugh it all off and be fine with everything.  I am refusing to be upset about anything.  It is hard sometimes but for the most part it is working.

I’m going to be honest, i am just fed up with the fighting and her making me feel like a shit person.  I think I just kind of reached my breaking point and now i just don’t really care about anything.  I know that sounds really bad, and it makes me question why I bother continuing to waste my time with her.  that sounds harsh but that’s how I have been feeling lately about the whole thing.

On top of all that bullshit,  I have noticed that whenever a guy is in a relationship, it seems every girl in the world decides to like you. hahaha it’s such a strange coincidence.  I will explain more of that on M.I.A. part 2 in a few minutes.

~Michael

Therapist Chronicles

“Now when I say sex addiction, don’t jump to conclusions because there are many different types of sex addictions.  Someone who suffers from Emotional sex addiction has a fear of being abandoned, and might stay in relationships that aren’t healthy.  Or when alone, they feel empty or incomplete.  They may use sex as a way to dull the pain of true emotions and feelings or as a way to escape reality and avoid dealing with the problems at hand.  They may also show signs of sexual anorexia, which is when you purposely avoid relationships because you don’t know how to control them or because of past sexual trauma such as emotional and/or physical.  This type of behavior is common with people struggling with depression.”

Man, my therapist pretty much hit the nail on the head.  I mean, I don’t think I have a sex addiction in the aspect of I have sex all the time and can’t control it haha because that is definitely not the case.  For the record, I rarely get girls.  But, I do admit she’s right about how I fear being abandoned when I’m in a relationship or even when I’m kind of close to someone.  And when i’m alone I do feel empty/incomplete and I try to resolve that loneliness by sleeping with someone (man, re-reading that makes me sound like a horrible person) but in turn that does take my mind off my problems as well as emotions that I don’t know how to deal with. It is definitely an escape from reality as she put it.  As far as the sexual anorexia, fuck dude she’s totally right.  I mean just from the few posts on here I’m sure you guys could tell I try so hard to avoid having feelings for anyone, mostly because I am afraid to get hurt and I have huge trust issues caused by my last relationship failures.  And last but not least, OBVIOUSLY I’m a depressed dweeb so it does make sense as to why I would behave like this.

Fuck man, she blew my mind with all this shit.  I never really looked at my self in perspective as a sex addict (emotional sex addict) but man I can’t help but feel like she is totally right.  Very eye opening session, so felt I had to share.

Even though this is anonymous, I hope you guys don’t judge me…

The Julia Situation *Warning: Long Post*

I have some free time today and I thought I’d talk about something that I try to avoid talking about or thinking about at all costs.  But I figured I should probably express myself on this topic instead of holding it in forever.

So, here we go… *takes deep breath*

Today I want to dive into the realm of what happened in my in relationship with my most recent ex.  (we can go over all the other traumatic failed relationships another day)  but this one in particular really fucked me up emotionally and mentally.

We can call her Satan Julia.  Her and I had been dating for two years, and honestly everything was great.  We never got in fights, we always had fun and were laughing, we had so much in common as well.  I was literally ready to marry her.

And then, my entire world crumbled before my eyes.  I had never understood the references of heartache/heartbroken until that point because it literally felt like my heart had dropped out of my chest and fell onto the floor, and the floor was covered in nails.

Basically, she told me she was going on a business trip with her mom.  Which didn’t sound weird at all to me because her mom was always flying places to go on trips.  After about three days into her trip I just happened to stumble upon an odd photo that caught my eye on Instagram… It was a photo of a girl holding this guys hand pulling him into the front gates of Disney Land…only the girl was Julia, and the guy wasn’t me.  Caption ” She said YES!!! *ring emoji* ”

I had to take a break after writing that, my heart started pounding so fast and my fingers were trembling… *deep breath* you can do this Michael…

I immediatly just froze.  I locked up.  I was with two friends at the moment this happened, we’ll call them Derek and Paige.  They both just stopped talking mid sentence and stared at me and asked “uhh hey are you alright?”  “yeah man you look like you’re going to faint are you good?”  I remember I couldn’t even respond.  I just handed over my phone to them as I sat down on the curb in front of my house.  They both got super quiet for what seemed like a really long time.  Paige just sat down next to me and didn’t say anything.  Derek was still standing behind me and he stuttered out the words  “it might not be what it seems man…?”  Eventually we all agreed I should just ask her about it.  I text her asking what shes up to, hows the trip etc, she jsut replies oh it’s fine just hanging out with some friends out here while my Mom is taking care of her work stuff.  So, I just sent her a screenshot of the guys photo.  I waited a long time and got no reply (she is always on her phone as usually replies instantly)  so I basically just sent off a really long and angry text and trying to figure out what the hell is going on.  No reply.

By now it’s really late at night and still no reply.  And I had already balled my fucking eyes out.  I couldn’t keep it in. Derek flaked out on his plans he had that night to just chill with me a little longer even though he had work really early in the morning.  Paige had nothing else going on so she stuck around too.  It was nice they were there and to not be alone, but at the same time I kind of just didn’t want to hear any “advice” on shit.  I just didn’t feel like talking.  I just sat there quietly and Derek did all the talking.  I can’t even tell you what he was saying because I was completely zoned out.  Around 2am Derek left to go home to wake up for work at 5am.  Paige said she didn’t want to leave me alone and was worried.  So her and I went inside.  She sat next to me on my bed, put her head on my shoulder, her arm around me, and she didn’t say a damn word the whole night.  It was perfect.

So, by 6am Paige finally left because she had class at 8am.  I tried to get some sleep in hopes that by the time I woke up maybe Julia had woke up and replied or something, but I ended up just laying there until about 8am and when I did fall asleep I woke up at 10am and big suprise! No reply from Julia at all.  No explanations, no excuses, not even a simple “I’m sorry.”   Not a single. damn. word.  Even to this present day, I have never heard from her again.  And I think that is what makes the whole thing worse, is the not knowing part.

Eventually over time it turns out that she had been cheating on me for at least a year with that guy, if not more.  And she never went on a business trip with her Mom, that guy picked her up and they drove over 1000 miles to get to Disneyland.  He then proposed to her infront of Disneyland.  (HOW FUCKING ORIGINAL MAN) but anyways, I eventually just told people to stop telling me about her and shit.  It would just be easier to not find out any more shit.  So I just left it alone.

The Julia situation is what really made me want to be by myself, and it really gave me serious trust issues.  I have realized that I’m just not the type of guy that girls date.  So, I promised my self after that I would officially give up and just be single forever with 100 cats.

Big update that no one cares about

Alright so I haven’t posted in a few days and some key things happened lately with the Diana story for anyone keeping up.  (aka no one haha)

I don’t remember which night it was exactly but Diana and I kind of talked about a lot of things.  We talked about a lot of what happened last weekend.  She basically explained how she doesn’t do hook ups and that’s why things were kind of strange between us I guess.  Also, she used my phone before anything happened and she saw my phone background ( which was a girl, not my girlfriend in anyway) but I mean I can’t blame her for assuming.  I would probably do the same if I were in her shoes.  But I basically explained the phone background thing and explained how she wasn’t just a hook up.  I told her how that was never my intention.  I never even had an intention of sleeping with her at all! Let alone use her like that.  So, of course that kind of cleared up a lot of awkwardness and uncertainty that she was feeling.

Diana asked “Why didn’t you kiss me?”  I was kind of thrown off and shocked.  I explained how she didn’t really seem like she wanted me to kiss her by the way she was acting.  hard to explain but I guess you would say a little stand off-ish? I also told her she’s a very difficult person to get a read on when it comes to feelings.  I told her how I did consider kissing her when I was leaving, and how much I regretted not doing so.  She said next time I owe her haha so that must mean things are going pretty well right?

YA DAMN RIGHT.  because after that I was explaining how I still have no clue how she feels.  I mean obviously she is some what interested considering all that has happened.  But that doesn’t mean she wants something more or if this is as far as it goes.  So she just was like “well, you never asked. haha”   I was just like -________________________-”  so I asked her “how do you feel about me?” The whole time I was anticipating her response.  I just remember being so stressed out and nervous. She just simply replied  “Oh Michaelpoo, I like you silly.”  *michaelpoo sounds weird, it sounded cuter with my actual name I promise haha*   it was simple but effective, I took a big sigh of relief.

Diana has been saying how she is going to come visit me in Norcal.  Which I am excited for of course as is she. Still planning on which dates would be best to come, since she has a wedding to go to end of August and I have a wedding to go to end of August as well.  Also I will be in Chicago early September for a drift event.  (super irrelevant but whatever) But once we decide on dates i will definitely let you guys know how it goes.  And when I say *you guys* I am referring to my audience of zero…

See, sometimes good things do happen.  Lets see how long it takes for everything to turn to shit again. lol fuck my life.

*stares at keyboard for 5 minutes*

Well, laying in bed and can’t sleep.  What a surprise.  Diana murdering my mind.  I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY.  I don’t understand why all this is happening.  This was never part of the plan to become attached.  If anything I tried my hardest to not let that happen.

Now I am worried more than ever.  What if this is a one sided-crush?  I don’t know if I could handle that.  I can feel my throat tighten up and my eyes tense as I write this.  I am terrified.

Diana is not the most um… girly of girls. So it is a bit difficult to get a read on her feelings.  Which I think makes the whole situation worse for me.  Not knowing how she feels gives me anxiety.  I’m such a chill, no emotion type of person, so anxiety for me never happens.

I don’t want to tell her how I feel and then her not feel the same way.  Then I’ll look stupid, and of course be probably even more fucked in the head than I am right now.  SO expressing my feelings to her is just out of the question. With that being said, *stares at keyboard for 5 minutes because I don’t know how to even articulate how I feel right now*

It really pisses me off that I have feelings for her.  Okay that sounds bad, I should probably try to expand a bit on that haha.  It’s not her that pisses me off, it’s the fact that I care about her more than I probably should.  I mean for fuck sake we have only chilled twice. Granted the last time was um… “intimate”  okay that makes me sound like a pussy but whatever.  I mean the sex was one thing, but I think the cutesy cuddly shit is kind of what fucked everything up.

I regret not kissing her when I left… but then again the fact that we did all that we did and we never kissed kind of says something in itself I think.

I feel really stupid.

Nights

i don’t know wtf to even feel. I told myself I wasn’t going to let this happen.  I’m sure she felt the same way. (let’s just call her Diana) I’m just trying to avoid feelings. just trying to let it happen and then forget it happened. move on.  I planned on it with alternative motives, but in the end I did it because I think I like her, and i think she made the same mistake. which is fucking stupid because we both know we are complete opposites. We literally only have two things in common.  1: we both hate kids and 2: we love cars.  we are so different and yet here i find myself sad. i miss her actually.  not just the sex (which she is fabulous at btw) but just her in general. Diana’s cool. and fun. she makes me laugh and im actually happy around her. it kind of sucks lol i feel depressed. nights are the worst.

Castles

after my last huge relationship disaster i promised myself never again. and so far so good until that weekend. i think i fucked up.  shouldn’t have made a move. and should have not let her also. ive always been so good at blocking everyone out and yet there we were completely guarded up behind the strongest of walls, and then we jumped over our safe protective castle walls and crossed the protective moat to keep everyone away, and there we were both out in the open, in the middle of no mans land waving the white flag of truse. even if only for those brief moments, then we both retreated back into our safe haven barricaded castles and shut everyone out even each other because we are now worried of what just happened.  what might become.  what feelings might arrive. i should have stayed behind my locked gates of hell.  heaven is no place for a man like me. but i cant help but wonder, if we will ever pull out the white flags again…

The beginning.

So, I have decided to create this blog with moderately simple intentions.  I just need a place to jot down thoughts and random rambling going on in my head.  I have decided that I will keep this blog 98% unaltered, unedited, and unfiltered.  So expect a lot of what I have to say to not make much sense.  The other 2% contained only 2 factors that i will change on any post on this blog.  1 ~ I will change real peoples names to fake names to retain my life anonymous as well as others.  I feel that by keeping this blog anonymous I will be able to vent 100% of what I am feeling, thinking, and going through in life without the fear of being judged by someone who knows me or the people I involve in this blog.  And reason number 2 ~ I will not go back and change anything I type out in my posts.  I will leave it exactly as I typed it the first try.  By not altering any of my posts I feel it will help not only pump out the thoughts easier because I am not constantly going back for corrections that will distract my strain of thought. So spelling errors, typos, grammatical error are to be expected, to keep the posts original.  I probably won’t even re-read over the posts before I publish. I hope whoever finds this blog (if anyone) enjoys what I have to say or can connect with how I am feeling, or understand what I am going through.  I also hope it gives a bit of perspective into who I am as a person.  Not that I have a great personality or anything, but by reading unedited posts I hope you feel like you know me without ever having to know me.  Trust me, I am not worth knowing.