Diana’s Voyage

Unfortunately I am not dead.  So, with that being said, figured i’d update on everything from this weekend to all of the zero people who give a shit.

This is all part of Friday night.  This all happened after my previous rant post.  Things got worse obviously.  Her being stuck on the bus for a billion hours and stuff.  Now I understand it’s all very stressful and I’d be pissed off too and stuff.  In fact, I understand completely because a few weeks before when I took it down to Socal the same thing happened to me.  I was stuck in the middle of nowhere for 14 hours.  Anyways, here are some screen shots of just a couple of texts from Friday night…

As you can imagine…. I felt awesome.

The fucked up part was, My stupid ass actually went to go get her.  Because I’m a dumb piece of shit.

I drove 3 hours on way, to go get her from the station she was stranded at.  Then another 3 hours back to my place.  What the fuck is wrong with me?  Anyone else in the world would have said “you can go fuck yourself” and left her bitch ass there and never talk to her again.  Why didn’t I do that?  So stupid… It’s like I know what I should do, and yet I still make the worst decisions ever. (By the way, not a single thank you, ungrateful as fuck)

I showed up at 2am, and she was sitting outside at a table.  I walked up, we didn’t say anything to each other. I sat down next to her, and put my arm around her, and her head found its way resting on my shoulder burying itself into my neck as she put her arms around my waist.  She started crying really softly. I gently kissed her on her forehead. She held back her tears for a second to mumble out the softest and saddest “I’m sorry…” I’ve ever heard.  All I said was “I know. It’s okay.” even though it wasn’t at all.  But I didn’t want to deal with any of this anymore.  So I just let it be.  We grabbed all her stuff and headed back home.  She fell asleep instantly in the car, I don’t blame her.  Long stressful day for both of us.

Honestly, the whole time she was here everything was fine.  Until she had to leave, then she was really sad as usual.  We both were.

I don’t really know where this leaves us.  And I don’t really know what will happen between us.  I’m not sure still if I want an “us” anymore.  She feels the same way I’m sure.  After all of this, on top of all the other bullshit before all this happened, I just don’t know anymore.

Not that she cares or anything, because she always feels like she doesn’t do anything wrong.  She has even told me before that she doesn’t need this relationship and doesn’t need me. so i dont know, but I just want to state for the record:

I have not forgiven her for how she treated me.

I don’t know if I ever will be able to.

M.I.A. part 1

I kind of disappeared for awhile, not that anyone on here really gives a shit, but a lot has happened.

Diana and I have a very complicated relationship.  We have seen each other a lot since my last update and I have been super busy with other bullshit in my pathetic excuse for a life which is why I have been M.I.A. but anyways,

When her and I spend time together things are great.  We have a lot of fun and were both really happy.  But things are so weird when it isn’t just us.  If we are around her friends she treats me VERY differently.  She always introduces me as her “friend from norcal” never as “my boyfriend”  (I’ll explain that in a second)  Now I understand this may not seem that important but it kind of bothers me in a weird way.  I almost feel like she is trying to keep me a secret?  She says im her boyfriend and blahblahblah but yet when it comes to being public about it, I’m not.  it’s very strange.  Facebook is still single, introduces me as a friend to everyone, and the way she acts like always going out and partying, never really talks to me ever until night time she calls and we talk for a few minutes before we both go to bed, I don’t know.  it’s all little things but it’s all very odd to me.

Also we argue like A LOT.  Over really stupid shit too.  Everything I say makes her so mad or upset.  It’s crazy and it’s really frustrating for me.  She always says really mean stuff to me and makes me feel like shit.

I think I just cared too much.  So I have been forcing myself to back off a little and try to not like her as much I guess? (that sounds really bad but i can’t really think of another way to word it right now, it’s really early in the morning here so none of this probably makes sense anyways)  But basically, instead of getting mad or jealous about shit i just force myself to laugh it all off and be fine with everything.  I am refusing to be upset about anything.  It is hard sometimes but for the most part it is working.

I’m going to be honest, i am just fed up with the fighting and her making me feel like a shit person.  I think I just kind of reached my breaking point and now i just don’t really care about anything.  I know that sounds really bad, and it makes me question why I bother continuing to waste my time with her.  that sounds harsh but that’s how I have been feeling lately about the whole thing.

On top of all that bullshit,  I have noticed that whenever a guy is in a relationship, it seems every girl in the world decides to like you. hahaha it’s such a strange coincidence.  I will explain more of that on M.I.A. part 2 in a few minutes.

~Michael

Big update that no one cares about

Alright so I haven’t posted in a few days and some key things happened lately with the Diana story for anyone keeping up.  (aka no one haha)

I don’t remember which night it was exactly but Diana and I kind of talked about a lot of things.  We talked about a lot of what happened last weekend.  She basically explained how she doesn’t do hook ups and that’s why things were kind of strange between us I guess.  Also, she used my phone before anything happened and she saw my phone background ( which was a girl, not my girlfriend in anyway) but I mean I can’t blame her for assuming.  I would probably do the same if I were in her shoes.  But I basically explained the phone background thing and explained how she wasn’t just a hook up.  I told her how that was never my intention.  I never even had an intention of sleeping with her at all! Let alone use her like that.  So, of course that kind of cleared up a lot of awkwardness and uncertainty that she was feeling.

Diana asked “Why didn’t you kiss me?”  I was kind of thrown off and shocked.  I explained how she didn’t really seem like she wanted me to kiss her by the way she was acting.  hard to explain but I guess you would say a little stand off-ish? I also told her she’s a very difficult person to get a read on when it comes to feelings.  I told her how I did consider kissing her when I was leaving, and how much I regretted not doing so.  She said next time I owe her haha so that must mean things are going pretty well right?

YA DAMN RIGHT.  because after that I was explaining how I still have no clue how she feels.  I mean obviously she is some what interested considering all that has happened.  But that doesn’t mean she wants something more or if this is as far as it goes.  So she just was like “well, you never asked. haha”   I was just like -________________________-”  so I asked her “how do you feel about me?” The whole time I was anticipating her response.  I just remember being so stressed out and nervous. She just simply replied  “Oh Michaelpoo, I like you silly.”  *michaelpoo sounds weird, it sounded cuter with my actual name I promise haha*   it was simple but effective, I took a big sigh of relief.

Diana has been saying how she is going to come visit me in Norcal.  Which I am excited for of course as is she. Still planning on which dates would be best to come, since she has a wedding to go to end of August and I have a wedding to go to end of August as well.  Also I will be in Chicago early September for a drift event.  (super irrelevant but whatever) But once we decide on dates i will definitely let you guys know how it goes.  And when I say *you guys* I am referring to my audience of zero…

See, sometimes good things do happen.  Lets see how long it takes for everything to turn to shit again. lol fuck my life.

*stares at keyboard for 5 minutes*

Well, laying in bed and can’t sleep.  What a surprise.  Diana murdering my mind.  I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY.  I don’t understand why all this is happening.  This was never part of the plan to become attached.  If anything I tried my hardest to not let that happen.

Now I am worried more than ever.  What if this is a one sided-crush?  I don’t know if I could handle that.  I can feel my throat tighten up and my eyes tense as I write this.  I am terrified.

Diana is not the most um… girly of girls. So it is a bit difficult to get a read on her feelings.  Which I think makes the whole situation worse for me.  Not knowing how she feels gives me anxiety.  I’m such a chill, no emotion type of person, so anxiety for me never happens.

I don’t want to tell her how I feel and then her not feel the same way.  Then I’ll look stupid, and of course be probably even more fucked in the head than I am right now.  SO expressing my feelings to her is just out of the question. With that being said, *stares at keyboard for 5 minutes because I don’t know how to even articulate how I feel right now*

It really pisses me off that I have feelings for her.  Okay that sounds bad, I should probably try to expand a bit on that haha.  It’s not her that pisses me off, it’s the fact that I care about her more than I probably should.  I mean for fuck sake we have only chilled twice. Granted the last time was um… “intimate”  okay that makes me sound like a pussy but whatever.  I mean the sex was one thing, but I think the cutesy cuddly shit is kind of what fucked everything up.

I regret not kissing her when I left… but then again the fact that we did all that we did and we never kissed kind of says something in itself I think.

I feel really stupid.

Nights

i don’t know wtf to even feel. I told myself I wasn’t going to let this happen.  I’m sure she felt the same way. (let’s just call her Diana) I’m just trying to avoid feelings. just trying to let it happen and then forget it happened. move on.  I planned on it with alternative motives, but in the end I did it because I think I like her, and i think she made the same mistake. which is fucking stupid because we both know we are complete opposites. We literally only have two things in common.  1: we both hate kids and 2: we love cars.  we are so different and yet here i find myself sad. i miss her actually.  not just the sex (which she is fabulous at btw) but just her in general. Diana’s cool. and fun. she makes me laugh and im actually happy around her. it kind of sucks lol i feel depressed. nights are the worst.

Castles

after my last huge relationship disaster i promised myself never again. and so far so good until that weekend. i think i fucked up.  shouldn’t have made a move. and should have not let her also. ive always been so good at blocking everyone out and yet there we were completely guarded up behind the strongest of walls, and then we jumped over our safe protective castle walls and crossed the protective moat to keep everyone away, and there we were both out in the open, in the middle of no mans land waving the white flag of truse. even if only for those brief moments, then we both retreated back into our safe haven barricaded castles and shut everyone out even each other because we are now worried of what just happened.  what might become.  what feelings might arrive. i should have stayed behind my locked gates of hell.  heaven is no place for a man like me. but i cant help but wonder, if we will ever pull out the white flags again…